Last week, I met with my great friend for a coffee. Sitting in front of her, in our favorite Massolit coffee&books (love them for having NewYorker!), I couldn't help myself, but notice - she's madly in love! Laughing at her phone, just gleaming of joy. And I'm so happy for her!
I've never seen her this way and it makes me smile even now when writing about it. The beginnings - lovely time when excitement overcomes everything else. It's interesting how it changes, evolves into new and so beautifully different stages. When I think of how it was with me, when I was thrilled to pieces, I think of Roma in Italy.
Italy has always been to me the special spot on Earth. So many memories! I've been traveling to the country of pasta&wine since I was six years old with my family. I remember when I said goodbye for the last time to my friend from kindergarten before leaving for the very first Italian trip. The emotions were so intense it feels like some moments are engraved in my brain. And again, because of this I do remember Roma as if I learned it by heart with it's beautiful specific details.
It was about two years ago and I went there with my boyfriend to visit my greatest friend, who back then was on Erasmus in Roma. First trip with first serious boyfriend - basically the excitement powerful as thunder; I'm truly glad it didn't cause me a heart attack or something. Even the food as I remember it was the best, and yes I do remember it's Eataly, but still I've been there so many times and when in Roma I ate the most delicious flambé homemade pasta with seafood (Trastevere, but I don't remember the name of the place, which makes me sorrowful as hell). Besides, it feels like the memories in my head are a bit like photographs: tree crown leaves watched as I lain on his thighs, him sat on the bench after a long walk up the hill; or another time his profile viewed from the right side of his face (and he has an amazing jawline, I can tell you), while drinking wine above the Spanish Steps. And so many more, which (forgive me) I'm going to keep for myself.
Anyway, the excitement was good for then, but I'm glad we've grown out of it. It was a bit painful, we broke up, but it was needed. We're the same, but also so different (love stuff is an ambivalent mess, sorry for that). Now, when I'm with him I feel like I'm home and it's just the way it's supposed to be. One great artist said: "It was above all so natural and right, I thought; the long wait on the station platform was rewarded by the arrival of the train, as one knew it would be, sooner or later." (Birthday by Dorothea Tanning, 2001, p.65)
And I'm not saying the emotions are a bad thing. The feeling of upcoming heart attack might feel great. The thing is that now I see us together as so much more, with all the understanding, respect, caring, involvement and partnership, that's what I need in a relationship and I'm glad to know it (pinch of madness loving included).
Fascinating, how different it can be. The way I see loving varies from any other point of view. It's incredible. Just like viewing a painting of a surrealist. You can guess what's behind the symbols, understand them with connotations of your very own world, but there's still this little unexplained thing - an impression. The elusive magic. You can try, but you won't be able to name it. Words are not enough, when it comes to something that surrounds you, percolates through you on so many dimensions. I'd say it's true beauty of life. And very pleasurable by the way.
I felt like writing about all this love stuff, because I'm surrounded by some people my age making the so called "big life decisions". Marriages, having babies. And it's good, even wonderful, but only if you feel like it. How sad would it be to get married under peer pressure, right? Above all, it should feel natural, the right step for yourself in the first place.
One of my lovely friends recently told me that she can feel it - the pressure. She's expected to be with someone, to have a child, because she's not 25 anymore. And it just made me realize, how insane is that? You don't have to do everything in your life by the age of 25, or any other age. You also don't have to do everything, I mean it's up to you. Things like marriage are optional, not obligatory. And I must say, I'm super proud of her, as she told me that she still feels a bit heartbroken from the most important (so far) relationship in her life. She also said that it's just fine, she doesn't have to be with someone, for now she's good on her own. Bravo!
No matter what age you are, take a deep breath and do whatever you feel like doing! The artist I quoted didn't give birth to any child and lived long fulfilling life, she got married aged 32 and said it was: "Painless, forgettable, but fun". (Birthday by Dorothea Tanning, 2001, p.139).
And to justify the title - I miss Roma! I wish the pandemic to stop, so we can go there and enjoy this amazing city, it's art, food&wine. Just like that, just us.
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