Feeling small again.

There are things I've been missing lately (and for sure it's not only me). Museums, cinemas, theaters, concerts. And I know, I know it's available, but the conditions are so different, it changed the entire experience. It feels bizarre now, with masks on faces and alcohol scent of disinfectant liquid on hands.

Few days ago, I've been to music festival Uptodate. Some of you probably think it's irresponsible and just reckless to attend such an event. I was curious and honestly needed this kind of relaxation. Sorrowful, I confess it was no fun. With all my respect and admiration for the hosts - I cannot imagine the difficulties they had to handle to make the festival happen, it was quite depressive experience after all.

There were so little people as if it was 4 am - the place was desolating. And even when I liked some techno or electronics it felt so weird to be observed by the security workers, who didn't hesitate to interfere the crowd reminding people to put their masks on. And don't get me wrong, I totally understand the restrictions. It made me feel strange and sort of uncomfortable, I guess.

There was also a highlight of my Uptodate attendance. I happened to be the only person who ordered wine during the entire festival. And sure, wine isn't 'music festival kind of drink', but I'm a wine kind of gal. So, when I finally reached that one spot with wine and the bartender after longer searching found the only bottle of white wine, I got my personal triple portion for the price of one. I guess this is the luckiest I'll ever get, but I'm perfectly fine with it.

The other day, I had rather unwanted fun & awkward moment of silence with a guy I once met, Tinder story obviously. There are the patterns of Tinder dates, I believe. With this guy it was so called 'long texting & time wasted' kind. It took place about a year ago, we'd been texting each other for quite some time (we lived in different cities), then we finally met and afterwards he ghosted me. To those who are  unfamiliar with the term: it's when someone doesn't text you back. And yes, just like that, they keep on pretending your messages don't exist and so do you. It was really surprising to me at that time, you know. I just couldn't understand. Why? And to make it clear, no harm done - fortunately such things don't make me insecure about myself anymore, but still it's simply not really nice. Eventually, I found out (on Instagram) he'd been dating another girl from his city and they got together. Best wishes and good luck! Anyway, during the Uptodate when we both reached the bar at the same time he acted as if he was a child, who puts hands over his eyes thinking he's invisible. I even felt a bit sorry for him to feel such an embarrassment. He couldn't even say 'Hi'. 

We're facing new reality of life. Not only with music festivals, but everything. Even when watching a movie I caught myself with a thought 'where are their masks', when film characters approached a store. I must admit, it's uneasy. It's so unpredictable, what happens next? I cannot even plan a journey month ahead, because for example the borders might be closed then. My boyfriend always laughs at me with this, as I might be a bit obsessed with arranging things to be done (it's not a disorder, but I know moments, when it gets more intense). Now, when so little is certain I feel anxious. And it basically it drives me nuts as I cannot plan much to get more comfortable. Today, when coming back home, I realized one thing and it gave me some hope, so I felt like sharing. 

There was this short moment before sunset, when we were on the road. Sun was crashing through the foggy air above the fields. It looked like a polaroid photograph - the blurred rays of sunlight. At the same time the luminosity defined each tree, bush, the ones closer to the car even had visible leaves (hopefully, I had my glasses on to notice them). And the colors! It was magical how the sky got pink and upper blue, with this slight orange brush touching the horizon. The ground was navy blue, then green and brown divided with borders of cereal fields. The nearest to us were flowers of mimosas (my first thought was prossecco and orange juice when I heard it's name, please don't judge me) and they actually are yellow, but very deep and saturated - almost orange, I'd say.

Seeing the world, beautiful as a great painting I felt peaceful. Even though, there was music playing in the background it seemed to be perfectly silent there. And that's what I think we can still rely on, no matter what happens. The warm softness of your lovers lips, when you kiss. The need for closeness of your longing cat, when she/he rubs against your leg. The feeling of absolute freedom after tiring solitude run. The catharsis you experience when you listen to your favorite album as loud as possible. The small things, little pleasures. Pure beauty of life.

And I know, I didn't reveal anything grand, nor special. Sometimes, I just forget it works this way, mostly when I'm overloaded and stressed. That's what life is after all - the little moments. 

P.S. Feeling small again is a song by Valentine, you can easily find it on Spotify.