Mean reds.

I've graduated just about few days ago. It feels strange, the five years of studies just passed by like a snap. Short period of time, yet so much has changed. The memories I've gathered defined me in a way. Partly thanks to them, I contoured my own shape. 

Lately, I've picked up a contact with a friend I haven't seen for quite some time. It's a funny story, as we know each other really little - we met several times. However, I wouldn't hesitate to call him a real friend. It feels like our souls are molded from the same clay. When we've started a conversation (and it's still open to go on) it fluently went from earthbound stuff to poetry and philosophy. It amazes me how sensibility bonds people in a not obvious way. We've both been lonely for long time in our lives. And by long time, I don't mean ages, but significant time. And by alone, I don't mean abandoned, but honestly on your own only.

I'm about to open new chapter of my life, or maybe I've just opened it? I'm not so sure. I get melancholic, feel misconnected with this world and I wish I knew where's the brake. The emotions are in me, I can touch them, but there's nothing else left - no explanation that would soothe my nerves, rationalize it. The friend, who reached me out texted me: We see very little and we understand even less, yet we can feel so much. Given a transcendental medium (opened through prayers, music, love, art, etc.), dots do not NEED anymore a proof that are part of something. Anxiety is gone: even the loneliest note FEELS like it is part of a symphony.  I am here to enjoy the vibrations, that's all I need. And of course, to expand my heart, as this is where all the cool concerts are played: the bigger the athenaeum, the better the sound. 

I can't help myself but wonder why am I like this? What makes me so vulnerable, that little things crush me or touch me so deeply, while other people don't even bother to notice them.

There were times when I was at home few days straight. It was one of my Single Secret Behaviors - I practiced, when living on my own (SSB also included dancing around my apartment to ABBA or Whitney Houston songs and so on). I used to spend these days watching movies, reading books (as many and various as possible) and when I finally left the apartment I was the alien walking down the streets - detached from reality. The perspective, extraordinary space shared between buildings, trees, sidewalk and me. The massive facades of tenement houses I passed by seemed unusual, like I've never seen such things before. I felt disturbed whenever another human being lied eyes on me. And I wouldn't say that I felt naked or something, I just wished (in this very second it happened) to be the air - not just invisible, but to be incorporeal.

I should be happy of where I am - great master thesis, blooming relationship, loving family & friends. 

And I am, really.

Maybe from time to time it is what it is. Existential crisis or something. Mean reds - quoting Holy.