Degas for life.

 It's been a while since my last post and what happened in my life was simply a lot. I'm truly glad that during last weekend I had an opportunity to get some rest with my dearest ones and real deep sleep.

Before leaving, I started to write about an experience I had. When I think about it right now, it may seem a bit little actually. When scrolling my instagram feed, I entered short video clip and it has moved me to tears. I still can't forget about it. Not only, because it was heartbreakingly sad, but mostly because of its beauty.

The video is really simple, I would even say raw and bare. You can see an old woman in a wheelchair and then the Tchaikovsky's music begins. It's Swan Lake. As the melody goes on she starts to dance. She's a ballerina. The moves of her emaciated hands are so graceful. There's great precision in her act, even though her body won't allow her to perform the way she wants to. Afterwards, I acknowledged her name was Martina Gonzales and she had and Alzheimer disease. She passed away shortly after the clip was filmed.

                

Edgar Degas, The Dance Class, 1874, https://www.metmuseum.org/toah/hd/dgsp/hd_dgsp.htm

I've learned about neurological diseases during psychology studies and it really frightens me. Getting old in many cases also means losing yourself. The self you've been your entire life. When watching the video I saw a ballerina, whom no matter what was, is and always will be the Degas' muse.

I couldn't help myself but wonder - who am I? Is my identity established yet, is it still changing? What are the things, the most important ones I wouldn't forget? Or maybe - I would't loose?

Currently, I'm trying to decide on what I'd like to do for a living. It's kinda harsh, as mostly the things I like doing are not profitable (at least not in the sense of money) - reading, watching movies and writing. Last week, I got back to writing a diary - just to cleanse my mind. With women protests all around Poland, it feels like everything around me in the world is slowly crashing. And because of that I can't place myself into the future, not even geographically.

However, I'm the only person I know, among my friends, who's actually delighted with getting older. Each year I feel more myself. It sounds a bit crazy maybe, but what I mean is I grow in confidence and self-awareness and it's so important! Each year gives me an opportunity to get to know the world - and who I am in it.

I hope things need time and I hope (but also doubt) it will be healing. Although, I have to admit there's this little jealousy (how nasty of me) of Miss Martina Gonzales. I can imagine how many hours of her life she had spent dancing, training her body and mind to achieve the ballet demands, how tough it must had been. Blood, sweat & tears. What I can also see from this short video clip is her unspeakable passion and devotion. I believe not so many people have it.